Top 10 Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts

valentines-day-cutting-edge-2014 copyWondering what to get your sweetie pie for Valentine’s Day? Did you wait till the last minute? Oh no! Before you run out to the nearest convenience store to browse the seasonal aisle, here are a few items you should definitely avoid.

10. Scratch and win lottery tickets. Sure, the fantasy of possibly winning a fortune can briefly heat up the moment, but as soon as she’s done scratching, it’s a nothing but a big fat zero. And that’s what you’ll be getting from HER tonight.

9. A diamond ring keychain. Think you can hint at taking it to the next level without actually going there? Think again. While you’re at it, avoid any jewelry that comes in a ring-sized box that isn’t actually a ring.

8. A self-help book. This is not the occasion to suggest there is anything wrong with her that she needs help with. She just might help you right out the door. If you disregard our advice, at least make sure it’s a paperback so it won’t do as much damage when she throws it at you.

7. Pornography. This is a bad gift for so many reasons. Men, suffice it to say, you don’t want her comparing you to the studs in the flick. And gals, if you’re thinking of buying something smutty for your man, he’s probably already got a more extensive collection than you ever dreamed of.

6. Cooking utensils. Are you hinting she’s a bad cook, or too cheap to take her out to a fine dinner? Better make sure it’s not a set of knives…

5. Viagra. This is just downright humiliating, no matter which one gives it to the other. Think about it.

4. Facebook gifts — send her a Valentines Day present on Facebook and watch how quickly she changes her status.

3. A gym membership. This is 100 times worse than answering in the affirmative to “does this make me look fat?”

2. Lingerie. Guys, you can’t win. If it’s too big, she’ll accuse you of thinking she’s fat. If it’s too small, she’ll cry hysterically. Even if, by some miracle you choose the right size, she’ll think it makes some sort of insinuation about her virtuosity, or lack of it. Better not go there, but if you do, spend the money for some silk. Cheap nylon panties cause yeast infections.

1. Spanx. Okay, are you just a complete moron?

So what should you do? Don’t panic. It’s not too late. Show your sweetie-pie some Twisted Love at Cutting Edge Haunted House, open Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 8 to 10 p.m. After all, what’s more romantic than a candelight romp through a meat-packing plant, being chased by a horde of blood-thirsty zombies? Buy your tickets online and get $5 off with the code “Rose.” Guaranteed to get your blood pumping!