Contrary to popular belief, New Year’s resolutions are not just for the living. The undead, including zombies, also have a desire to improve their lot in life, and although they seldom keep them, they do come up with goals for the New Year, just like the rest of us. And what are the most popular New Year’s resolutions for a zombie? Here at Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth, we took a survey of our resident zombie population and came up with our last top 10 list of 2014. And here they are, the top 10 zombie New Year’s resolutions:
10. Eat less brains. Brains are high in cholesterol, and even zombies are prone to clogged arteries. Ever try getting a triple bypass when you’re already dead?
9. Keep the chainsaw oiled. Can’t have the thing jamming up when you’re hacking somebody up, after all.
8. Stay out of the bubble room. The soap bubbles (temporarily) wash away that exquisite aroma of decomposing flesh.
7. Eat more white meat. We zombies have to watch our weight, too. Eat less brains and fat, more lean protein, particularly cats, the other white meat.
6. Get TiVo, so we stop missing new episodes of The Walking Dead.
5. Hit the gym and pump some iron. Those chainsaws are heavy, and by the end of the night our arms are killing us!
4. Take up yoga. Scaring the crap out of people night after night can be very stressful. Yoga is a great way to relax and decompose — I mean, decompress…
3. Get a makeover. Even zombies like to change things up every once in a while. You know, some new threads, maybe a haircut and some new makeup.
2. Clean out the closets. Between the bats, the spiders, the snakes and the evil clowns, the closets at Cutting Edge are just packed to the gills.
1. Quit smoking, drinking and chasing women. Nah — just kidding! That’s the best part about being undead!
Whatever your goals are for 2015, we at Cutting Edge wish you a fruitful and productive New Year. Or, just do like the rest of us and blow it off in a couple of weeks…