May is Zombie Awareness Month here at the Cutting Edge, so as a public service we are here to provide some public safety tips on How to Survive a Zombie Attack. First and foremost, should you ever come face to face with a Zombie, play undead. This is a bit different than playing dead, which might work with a bear, but if a Zombie suspects you are a fresh kill he will set about to eat your brains.
Instead, play undead, as in walk like a Zombie. Not an Egyptian, a Zombie. This is a little like walking on slippery ice, which is actually walking like a penguin, but with just a little less waddle. Put your arms out in front of you and assume a fixed, glazed expression. Above all, do not scream like a girl and run away; this will only attract more Zombies. Their ears are especially attuned to hone in on little girl squeals and one high pitched shriek will have every Zombie within a square mile on your trail.
Once the Zombie is convinced you are a comrade, slowly amble away. It is very important to maintain your slow, ambling gait, no matter how terrified you may be. It can take a whole hour just to get away from a Zombie, but you must persevere. There are very proactive people the world over who practice this gait by conducting annual Zombie Walks, usually during the month of October. Check the internet to find a Zombie Walk near you.
In the event of a full blown Zombie invasion, it’s important to be prepared with a full complement of emergency supplies. The Centers for Disease Control publishes a comprehensive pamphlet called “Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse” which is available on their Website and will prepare you for just such an attack – along with hurricanes, tornados and other, less devastating natural disasters.
So stay alert, stay calm, stock up and be ready. Anyone can be a Zombie; your best friend, your neighbor, your wife or husband. Use caution when approaching teenagers. Oftentimes their “thousand yard stare” causes them to be mistaken for Zombies. And above all, check back often with the Cutting Edge for Zombie Alerts, in case, well, any of ours, accidentally, sort of…you know…get loose…