Zombies Stage Coup at Cutting Edge Haunted House

While the world was watching events unfolding in Ukraine recently, another sort of uprising was taking place at the Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth. Fed up with what they perceive as “irresponsible leadership” on the part of the centrist Zombie party, a radical upstart group calling themselves the “Chainsaw Gang” has seized control of the Guinness record-holding haunted house.

Storming the audio-visual booth and seizing control of the sound and lighting systems, they have gained a virtual chokehold on the heart and soul of the operation. Reports coming from inside the building confirm the illumination of a large disco ball hanging from the ceiling, and the repeated play of the song “I can’t get no satisfaction.”

In retaliation, the Zombie party has moved to barricade the stairwells, preventing any movement between floors. So far, however, apart from a minor skirmish in the break room over some leftover barbecued spare ribs, there has been no (unusual amount of) violence or bloodshed. It’s a tense standoff, and the stakes are high. The victorious party stands to gain control of the entire operation, and could set the tone of the haunt for many years to come.

Will the Cutting Edge maintain its long-standing acid rock vibe, or be converted to a mellow, disco-loving operation? Only time will tell. Check back for weekly updates on this breaking news story!