Cutting Edge Denied Gold in Figure Skating

Coming on the heels of the painful decision by the Cutting Edge Zombie Bobsled Team to forego competing in Socchi due to heightened security measures, the Undead Delegation has suffered still another blow. Killer Wabbit, the team’s only entrant in Men’s Figure Skating has been struck from the competition for an allegedly “inappropriate outburst.”

The incident occurred during warm-ups, as the Canadian team was just leaving the ice. The Cutting Edge competitor reportedly leaped onto the ice shouting, “I’m going to eat you! I’m going to cut out your heart and feed it to the werewolves!”

A Cutting Edge spokesman who declined to be named explained, “It’s just friendly competition. He didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just trash talk, you know. It’s really kind of funny.”

The Canadian team, however, was not amused, and filed a complaint with the IOC.

“Trash talk or not, we have to take these things seriously,” said one official. “The Canadians are threatening to pull out of the competition. They say they’re in fear for their lives.”

“Trash talk my ass,” exclaimed one Canadian skater. “He was brandishing a giant meat cleaver when he said it!”

Cutting Edge’s spokesman explained that the meat cleaver was part of Killer Wabbit’s costume, and that the context would become clear during his performance. Unfortunately, it looks as though the public will never get to see Killer Wabbit’s routine.

“We just can’t allow this sort of behavior at the Olympics,” said the IOC official. “And we don’t understand how he got that meat cleaver through security.”

Ultimately, Killer Wabbit was disqualified from competing and asked to leave the venue, and the country. The meat cleaver was confiscated.

We caught up with Killer Wabbit as he was boarding a flight back to Fort Worth, and he had this to say:

“I did not have sex with that woman.”

Oh well, the good news is — it looks like Killer Wabbit will be back at the Cutting Edge just in time for the “Twisted Love” Valentine’s Day extravaganza!

Opening this Friday and Saturday night from 8 to 10 pm, Cutting Edge will be illuminated only by candlelight, and the whole place will be crawling with lovesick zombies, vampires, werewolves and even a Killer Wabbit!

Don’t delay — get your tickets online and save $5 by using the code “Twisted Love.” You’ll be kicking yourself if you miss this one! The Wabbit will have his Wevenge!

Cutting Edge Zombies Opt Out of Winter Olympics

In an unprecedented move this week, Cutting Edge’s Zombie Bobsled Team made a difficult decision not to attend the 2014 Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia. Citing fears over a possible terrorist attack, team spokesman Imal Redidedd announced that the many threats and the increased security around the venue would make it just too difficult for the team to travel.

“It’s time-consuming enough getting through security on a normal day,” he said, reluctantly, “but with all the extra vigilance, we might as well just forget it.” Redidedd explained that the team’s dietary requirements entail carry-on coolers full of brains and plasma, which often cause raised eyebrows among TSA and other personnel, and their signature props are even more of a problem.

“They really freak out about the chainsaws,” he explained. “Even though the chains are removed, and we don’t put gas in them until we get to our destination, they just seem to have a problem with the whole thing.”

And without the chainsaws and the brains, “well, we just wouldn’t be Zombies, would we?”

“It’s very disappointing,” said the team’s brakeman, Icho Mahma, “but at least it means we’ll be here for the Valentine’s Day celebration.

Mahma was referring to Cutting Edge’s upcoming Valentine’s Day special opening, Friday and Saturday night, February 14 and 15. “It’s going to be a really awesome event this year, and we were a little disappointed to be missing it, so I guess that’s our silver lining,” said Mahma.

Catch up with Imal Redidedd and Icho Mahma at the Cutting Edge Haunted House this Valentine’s Day weekend, with tickets now available online for just $25 – or $35 for the Speedpass! You won’t find snow, scantily clad figure skaters or fearless bobsled teams, but there will be plenty of screaming and terror – without the terrorists! That’s right, after an explosive evening of frightfully good fun, you get to go home with all of your arms and legs – and most of your brain! Log on to now to get your tickets!