Valentine’s Day Shenanigans

In Arizona, a man being held in jail on various charges made a daring escape, crawling past razor wire, scaling two fences and making his way to a bar about 10 miles away in order to spend Valentine’s Day with his girlfriend, only to be apprehended by sheriff’s deputies before he could meet up with his intended.

On another front, the flower delivery service 1-800-Flowers botched the delivery of flowers and candy to thousands of customers this Valentine’s Day, citing weather delays and scheduling snafus. Of course, it isn’t quite clear how many orders were actually placed, and how many boyfriends, husbands and significant others simply took advantage of the foul-up by claiming to have used the service…

Police and FBI are seeking a man dubbed the “Valentine’s Day Bandit,” who robbed a bank in Burlingame, California on, you guessed it, Valentine’s Day. The man is described as slim, dark skinned, between 5′ 5″ and 5′ 10″ and approximately 50-60 years old. Maybe Sanford just needed some money to buy flowers for his girlfriend!

The most exciting shenanigans going on this Valentine’s Day, however, had to be those taking place at Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth, Texas. For two consecutive nights, blood curdling screams could be heard coming from the building, as hapless lovers disappeared into the darkness, clinging tightly to each other with only candlelight to illuminate their path. Zombies, werewolves, vampires and evil clowns ruled the night and by the time it was all over there was nothing but a pile of bloody bones. Okay, maybe that was barbecue sauce, because the crew celebrated afterwards with a big rib dinner. You know how it is…

In any case, a good time was had by all. Now the cast and crew are busy changing into leprechauns and painting the whole place green because you know what’s next – that’s right, St. Patrick’s Day! Keep your ear to the ground for more information – but watch out for fire ants!

Cutting Edge Denied Gold in Figure Skating

Coming on the heels of the painful decision by the Cutting Edge Zombie Bobsled Team to forego competing in Socchi due to heightened security measures, the Undead Delegation has suffered still another blow. Killer Wabbit, the team’s only entrant in Men’s Figure Skating has been struck from the competition for an allegedly “inappropriate outburst.”

The incident occurred during warm-ups, as the Canadian team was just leaving the ice. The Cutting Edge competitor reportedly leaped onto the ice shouting, “I’m going to eat you! I’m going to cut out your heart and feed it to the werewolves!”

A Cutting Edge spokesman who declined to be named explained, “It’s just friendly competition. He didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just trash talk, you know. It’s really kind of funny.”

The Canadian team, however, was not amused, and filed a complaint with the IOC.

“Trash talk or not, we have to take these things seriously,” said one official. “The Canadians are threatening to pull out of the competition. They say they’re in fear for their lives.”

“Trash talk my ass,” exclaimed one Canadian skater. “He was brandishing a giant meat cleaver when he said it!”

Cutting Edge’s spokesman explained that the meat cleaver was part of Killer Wabbit’s costume, and that the context would become clear during his performance. Unfortunately, it looks as though the public will never get to see Killer Wabbit’s routine.

“We just can’t allow this sort of behavior at the Olympics,” said the IOC official. “And we don’t understand how he got that meat cleaver through security.”

Ultimately, Killer Wabbit was disqualified from competing and asked to leave the venue, and the country. The meat cleaver was confiscated.

We caught up with Killer Wabbit as he was boarding a flight back to Fort Worth, and he had this to say:

“I did not have sex with that woman.”

Oh well, the good news is — it looks like Killer Wabbit will be back at the Cutting Edge just in time for the “Twisted Love” Valentine’s Day extravaganza!

Opening this Friday and Saturday night from 8 to 10 pm, Cutting Edge will be illuminated only by candlelight, and the whole place will be crawling with lovesick zombies, vampires, werewolves and even a Killer Wabbit!

Don’t delay — get your tickets online and save $5 by using the code “Twisted Love.” You’ll be kicking yourself if you miss this one! The Wabbit will have his Wevenge!

Countdown to Valentine’s Day

Love is in the air, and it’s beckoning you to Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth, Texas! Never mind flowers, candy and romantic dinners, nothing says I love you like bloody corpses, rabid werewolves and lovesick zombies bearing bouquets of black roses and wilted calla lilies!

Celebrate your love with a night of horror, bloodlust and undead creatures of the night, stalking you as you run screaming through the darkness, illuminated only by romantic candlelight and the occasional spark of a chainsaw.

Love never dies, and neither do zombies. Keep your love alive, or at least undead, with a night of pure passion, fear and unadulterated panic at Cutting Edge, where love is not just another four letter word!

The doors open at eight o’clock, so don’t be late! This is a night you won’t want to miss!

Eat Your Heart Out Cupid!

Ah Valentine’s day, one of the most over-rated, over-hyped, over-commercialized holidays known to man! Few holidays trigger more anxiety in the male of the species than Cupid’s revenge, when no romantic gesture ever seems to be quite right in the eyes of the fairer sex, especially when there’s literally, no gesture at all…

Men, skip the flowers and candy this year and bring your date to the only place more romantic than a Texas slaughterhouse – an actual meatpacking plant on Hell’s Half Acre in Fort Worth!

Continue reading Eat Your Heart Out Cupid!