The Blog of The World's Largest Haunted House
Ah summer, a time for lazy afternoons, trips to the beach, backyard barbecues and zombie hunting. As the pungent smells of sizzling burgers, suntan lotion and exploding firecrackers waft on the afternoon breeze, all thoughts turn to the upcoming Zombie APOC Army at Cutting Edge Haunted House, just two weeks away on the 17th and 18th of July.
And why not? What better way to spend a sultry summer evening than racing through a nightmarish post-apocalyptic landscape on a real live, honest-to-goodness zombie hunt? Grab three of your best buds and get your tickets now, before they’re gone! You’ll be equipped with military grade training weapons, complete with live bang, recoil and muzzle flash as you flush out the zombies, encountering other survivalists along the way. Are they friend or foe? You decide. Your life could depend on it.
The zombies will be wearing cutting edge head-shot targets that will flash to indicate a hit. Beware! Some zombies may need to be hit more than once to be killed. Always aim for the head!
Don’t forget to wear your end-of-days survivalist clothing to enhance the experience even more. Listen closely to your orders if you hope to make it out alive. This is the most fun you can have with your clothes on, on a hot summer night here in Fort Worth. So skip the boring nightclubs, pass on the lame summer blockbusters and monster truck rodeos. It’s time to save the world and kill some zombies!
Tickets went on sale yesterday so don’t delay! If you missed the 17th and 18th there will be another apocalypse on the 24th and 25th. Go to http://bit.ly/shootzombies to get your tickets before they’re sold out.
Happy Independence Day from Cutting Edge Haunted House!
In honor of Mother’s Day, which we here at Cutting Edge Haunted House like to call “Mummies Day,” we go all out to pay homage to our beloved mummies. We take them to brunch, shower them with roses and get their wraps freshly dry-cleaned. And now, for your enjoyment, here are ten things you may not know about mummies.
1. Ancient Egyptians started making mummies around 3400 BC, however they were not the first to do so. People in South America beat them to the punch by about a millennium, give or take. Rather than developing elaborate processes like the ancient Egyptians, however, early South Americans often left their dead to mummify in naturally dry or frozen areas, although some did perform surgical preparation when mummification was intentional. Hmm, saves the cost of a burial plot…
2. Why mummification? People had their bodies turned into mummies because they wanted to preserve them forever. By preserving them, they believed they could still use them in the afterlife. Nowadays they just freeze them.
3. It wasn’t only kings and pharaohs who were mummified. In ancient Egypt, anyone could be mummified when they died, as long as they could afford it. I wonder if someone will discover an Egyptian Donald Trump…
4. Pet Cemetery? Some animal mummies have been discovered in ancient Egyptian ruins, including cats, jackals, baboons, horses, birds, gerbils, fish, snakes, crocodiles, hippos, and even a lion.
5. In Victorian era England, unwrapping mummies was a popular party event. The party host would purchase a mummy and invite guests to amuse themselves by unwrapping it. Not exactly a pinata…
6. England’s King Charles II was under the delusion that the dust that came from mummies harbored the secret to greatness. Accordingly, he kept mummies on hand around the palace, and he would gather up the dust that fell from them and rub it on his skin. Maybe just a little talc would be better for the chafing, Chucky boy.
7. In the 1800’s, those who so desired could purchase “Mummy Wheat,” said to be grown from grains of wheat found in mummy coffins. I wonder if you could use it to make “Mini Mummy Wheats” cereal?
8. Using x-rays and cat scans, scientists can tell what kinds of diseases mummified people had, from cavities to spinal deformities, and even nutritional deficiencies. King Tut, for instance, was found to have been suffering from a broken leg, brittle bone disease and malaria at the time of his death, at the ripe old age of 18. And HE was the KING. Talk about crappy medical care!
9. Modern uses for mummies: Mummies have been used in hospitals for calibrating CAT scan machines, at levels of radiation much too dangerous for a patient.
10. The world’s tallest mummy was found not in Egypt, but in the Ying Pan region of China, and is a perfectly preserved 2000-year-old Caucasian man with a blonde beard and a 6 foot 6 frame. Keep digging fellas, there’s got to be a basketball hoop in that dig somewhere!
Happy Mummies Day from Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth, Texas. Everybody, hug your mummy!
It’s coming! The Zombie Apocalypse is coming!. It’s just a matter of time, so for the uninitiated, we’ve come up with the top ten ways to kill a Zombie. Print it out and stick it on your fridge, so you’ll be ready!
10. Run them over with your car. It’s best to back into them, so you don’t risk damaging your engine and get stalled out like the ninnies in the movies. If you’re not good at backing, don’t worry, Zombies are slow moving targets, so you can just keep trying until you manage to squash him flat.
9. Slice one in half with a razor-sharp Japanese Samurai sword. This will look really cool and impress your girlfriend.
8. Cut off his head with a chain saw. Just remember to wear your personal protective equipment. Safety first!
7. Toss him in a wood chipper. Then you can use him to fertilize your lawn.
6. Pretend her head is a baseball and hit one out of the park with a very sturdy bat.
5. Douse him with gasoline and have a bonfire. Don’t forget the marshmallows!
4. Build a Zombie catapult and see if you can, actually, hit the side of a barn.
3. Cast her in a television soap opera and then kill off her character.
2. Tie him to a chair and force him to watch a marathon of “Keeping up wth the Kardashians.”
1. If you’re at Cutting Edge Haunted House this weekend, just shoot ’em in the head with your super high-tech laser rifle!
If you missed out on tickets to this weekend’s Zombie Apocalypse Live, we have it on good authority that the Zombies may be back for another session later this summer. Keep an eye on our Facebook page for more information!
Benjamin Franklin famously said, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” In thinking about this — today being the last day to timely file income taxes, and with the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse Live at Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth, we got to thinking, what about the UNdead. Do THEY have to pay taxes?
According to Law Professor Adam Chodorow, the United States Tax Code — and indeed the entire system of law in the U.S. is completely unprepared to deal with a full blown Zombie Apocalypse. The fatal flaw in the system hinges around the basic assumption that once one is dead, one ceases to exist for all eternity. We here at Cutting Edge know that that simply is not true.
In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, as Professor Chodorow stresses, a large portion of the nation’s living taxpayers would be either killed or converted to Zombies. Accordingly, the government, already struggling mightily to remain fiscally viable, would immediately dissolve into chaos.
Clearly, then, there needs to be a system of taxation that includes Zombies, witches, vampires, ghosts and all other forms of undead beings, in order to help keep the country running smoothly in the event that we all turn into Zombies or vampires or whatever.
The problem here lies in the definition of undead verses deceased. Does a person die before they turn into a Zombie, in which case, should they be subject to a death tax? If they are undead, do they retain ownership of their estate?
Professor Chodorow does a deep dive into the fine details of the various tax laws and how they could or should be applied to Zombies and other undead beings, but to our thinking there’s an even bigger, more important question at hand. Do Zombies earn money? Sure, the independently wealthy might resort to deliberately becoming Zombies in order to exploit this gaping loophole in the tax code, but what about the rest of the population? Can Zombies hold jobs?
It doesn’t seem likely there would be a robust job market for Zombies. What kind of work could a Zombie do, after all? Forget anything that involves any sort of intelligence or reasoning skills. Maybe they could be a bouncer at nightclub, or a doorman or a bellhop. I’ve seen the occasional cab driver I thought was a Zombie. But even if there were jobs for Zombies, would they be willing to do them? Nevermind getting them to report to work in the first place, the first whiff of human scent and they’d walk off the job and go looking for brains to eat.
Even if we could tax Zombies, and they could hold down a job and figure out how to fill out an income tax form, it wouldn’t be of much help once the whole infrastructure became infested with Zombies. For instance, a Congress and Senate full of Zombies wouldn’t be able to develop and pass a federal budget… Hey, WAIT A MINUTE…
Adam Chodorow is a Law Professor at the Sandra Day O’Connor College of Law at Arizona State in Tempe, Arizona. Download his complete thesis at: http://www.law.asu.edu/portals/31/chodorow_death_taxes_zombies.pdf
And if you missed out on tickets to the Zombie Apocalypse Live at Cutting Edge Haunted House, you still have a chance to shoot Zombies at Thrillvania Haunted House Park on May 1st, 2nd and 3rd!
Help! The zombies are running amok at Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth, Texas, and it’s up to YOU to stop them!
Get your tickets now for Zombie Apocalypse LIVE! April 24th, 25th and 26th and join the adventure!
You and your team will go on a mission to clear zombie-infested areas of a post-apocalyptic nightmare world. You’ll need to listen closely to your orders and rely on your wits and reflexes to sort the zombies from other survivalists. Pull the trigger of your state-of-the-art military-style training weapon and experience a live bang, recoil and muzzle flash. Aim for their heads! It’s the only way to kill them!
Zombies will be wearing cutting-edge head-shot targets that will flash to indicate a hit. But beware! Some zombies need to be hit more than once for a kill.
It’s Dawn of the Dead meets Rambo in this exclusive action-packed thriller and YOU are the star. Except there’s no retakes, no stunt doubles and no breaks in the action. It’s up to YOU to survive and bring your team out alive. Get your tickets now before they’re sold out! Then gather your posse and start putting together your best Walking Dead style post-apocalyptic survivalist clothing and gear! See you there!
Here at Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth, we love a good April Fool’s Day joke as much as the next ghoul, but then, not everybody has our raucous sense of humor. We advise you to keep this in mind when selecting the target of your seasonal pranks. Here’s an example of a classic prank that nonetheless, was little appreciated by its intended victims.
On April 1st of 2002, two Kansas City disc jockeys decided to play an April Fools prank on their listeners by announcing that the water in the nearby town of Olathe contained high levels of dihydrogen monoxide, a naturally occurring substance which caused side effects such as urination, sweating and pruniness of the skin.
Okay, if you think back to science class, dihydrogen monoxide, or DHMO, is most commonly annotated as H2O — water.
At least 150 listeners who never made it past the sixth grade panicked and called the water department, while a further two dozen dialed 911.
Fast forward to April, 2013, two other DJs at Gator Country 101.9 in Lee County, Florida, decided this was a pretty good prank, and proceeded to tell listeners that dihydrogen monoxide was coming out of their water taps. This time the joke was on them. The station’s general manager didn’t find the joke funny, and pulled the two off the air in the middle of the show. The local water utility was forced to send out notices saying that the water was safe, and there was talk of possible felony charges being pursued against the pair of miscreant DJs. One public official explained “From my understanding, it is a felony to call in a false water quality issue.”
Sheesh, talk about not having a sense of humor!
In the end, no charges were filed, and the pair returned to the air after a three-day suspension. This particular hoax, however, actually dates back to 1983, when a weekly paper in Durand, Michigan announced in their April 1st edition that dihydrogen monoxide had been found in the city’s water pipes, warning that it was fatal if inhaled, and could produce blistering vapors.
In 1994, UC Santa Cruz student Craig Jackson started a parody organization, “Coalition to ban Dihydrogen Monoxide” and posted the following warnings about the pernicious substance on his website:
• is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
• contributes to the “greenhouse effect”.
• may cause severe burns.
• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
• as an industrial solvent and coolant.
• in nuclear power plants.
• in the production of Styrofoam.
• as a fire retardant.
• in many forms of cruel animal research.
• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.
And finally, the hoax gained widespread public attention in 1997 when 14-year-old Nathan Zohner gathered petitions to ban DHMO as the cornerstone of his science project, titled “How Gullible Are We?”
Pretty darned gullible, Nathan, pretty darned gullible.
Have a safe but humorous April Fools Day everybody!
March is Women’s History month, and so we at Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth bring you the story of a famous woman in history renowned not only for her evil deeds, but who has also been featured in numerous works of fiction including Countess Dracula, Daughters of Darkness, Stay Alive and Fright Night 2: New Blood. That woman was Countess Elizabeth Bathory de Ecsed.
Born in Hungary in the summer of 1560, Elizabeth was engaged at ten and married at the age of 15 to the son of a baron, and set up housekeeping in a family-owned castle which was their wedding present. Before the marriage, however, at the age of 13, Elizabeth became pregnant by one of the castle servants, whom her husband-to-be promptly had castrated and thrown to the dogs. Elizabeth was secreted away until she gave birth to a daughter, whose fate remains a mystery.
Around the age of 25 — just two years after the birth of her first child with her husband, Elizabeth, left largely to her own devices while her spouse was off at war, began a killing spree that would earn her the label of most prolific female murderer by Guinness World Records.
Charged with the management and protection of her husband’s estates, Elizabeth had tremendous power over a significant number of Hungarian and Slovak people, and quickly discovered a penchant for torturing and mutilating servant girls, sometimes even biting off the flesh of their faces. When she was finally brought to trial in 1611, some seven years after the death of her husband, Elizabeth and four collaborators were accused of torturing and killing as many as 650 young girls. The stories of her brutality and serial murders were testified to by more than 300 witnesses and survivors, and confirmed by physical evidence and the presence of horribly mutilated dead, dying and imprisoned girls found at the time of her arrest.
Elizabeth was imprisoned in a set of rooms in her castle until she died in 1614, however her legend lives on. Years after her death stories surfaced around her vampire-like tendencies, including one bizarre tale of how she bathed in the blood of virgins in order to retain her youth. Her infamy became part of Hungary’s national folklore, and she is often compared with Vlad III, the Impaler of Wallachia, one of the roots of the Count Dracula character. Appropriately, her nicknames are Countess Dracula and The Blood Countess.
Now who says a woman can’t do anything a man can do?
Why are we so afraid of Friday the 13th? What makes it so different from Thursday the 12th, or Wednesday, the 11th? Perhaps it simply stems from our fear of the unknown. Up until the age of 12, our world is fairly finite. We’re children. We have a home and family. We think we know it all. And then — that 13th year of life, things begin to happen. We start growing hair in places we didn’t know it could grow. Voices change. Body parts metamorphose. Hormones start to ricochet and we become that most terrifying creature of all, a teenager.
We’re simply conditioned to be afraid of the number 13. Everything comes in 10s and 12s. A dozen of something is good; 13, not so good. Sometimes bad things happen and we just can’t explain why. And that makes us afraid. Maybe it will happen to me. Maybe it will happen on Friday the 13th.
Instead of fearing the day, embrace it. Go to the pound and adopt a black cat. Black cats are euthanized all the time because few people want to adopt them. Black dogs, although not considered particularly unlucky, share a similar fate, so how about making Friday the 13th the luckiest day of their life for some deserving fuzzy companion?
Throw a Friday the 13th party and serve Bloody Mary’s, show Friday the 13th movies and hold a séance to contact deceased relatives. Dig out your old Ouija board and interrogate the spirit world. Order a pizza and answer the door wearing a goalie mask when the delivery guy shows up.
Or if you just don’t feel that creative or motivated, don’t worry; we gotcha covered. Come on down to Cutting Edge Haunted house tonight for a Friday the 13th evening that nightmares are made of. What better way to celebrate than laughing and screaming till you cry and wet your pants? Why just watch scary movies when you can be right in the middle of one? Buy your tickets online and save $5 with the code JASON33! And don’t forget to bring a change of underwear…
Top 10 Reasons Why Cutting Edge Haunted House is the Safest Place to Be this Friday the 13th
If you’re inclined at all to be superstitious, you’re probably feeling a little anxious about the upcoming occurrence of Friday the 13th this weekend. You’ve got paraskavidekatriaphobia, or fear of Friday the 13th; what should you do? Should you call in sick to work? That might get you fired, and that WOULD be unlucky. Should you carry a lucky rabbit’s foot, wear your lucky underwear, carry a salt shaker, eat a clove of garlic for breakfast? Sure, why not do all those things — except the garlic might be a little beyond the pale, but the rest won’t hurt. But come nightfall, rather than hiding under your bed and waiting for the bell to toll midnight, we’d like to tell you why the Cutting Edge Haunted House is the safest place you could spend your evening on Friday the 13th. He’s our top ten reasons:
10. No black cats, ladders to walk under, mirrors to break or cracks to step on.
9. Our mummies all wear OSHA-approved fire-retardant wraps.
8. Monsta Hearse has monsta-sized airbags.
7. Our werewolves get annual rabies and distemper vaccinations.
6. All of our zombies undergo regular chainsaw safety training.
5. No faulty flight controls, exploding oxygen tanks or snoozing pilots involved.
4. Likelihood of a tsunami: zero.
3. No lead-based paint or Chinese drywall used on the premises.
2. No one will shoot you for making too much noise or throwing popcorn.
1. Studies show that 77% of accident-related injuries happen in the home, so GET OUT OF THERE! Save yourself, and come on down to Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth, where we take every precaution before SCARING YOU TO DEATH!
Buy your tickets online and save $5.00 with the promo code JASON33!
As IF you needed a reason to load up the pickup and mosey on out to Cutting Edge Haunted House in Fort Worth this weekend, we’ve got not just one, but ten good reasons!
10. It’s cheaper than a box of candy and a dozen roses — have you seen the price of flowers lately?
9. It’s Friday the 13th weekend combined with Valentine’s Day; you might as well face all your fears at once.
8. She said she wanted a romantic candlelit evening — you can’t get more romantic than this!
7. You’re not likely to be embarrassed by any sappy proposals or over-the-top romantic gestures.
6. She’s always complaining you never take her anywhere that doesn’t involve an ice chest and a jon boat.
5. The Super Bowl is over and football season doesn’t start back up for six more months.
4. Chainsaw fumes are a known aphrodisiac.
3. If you don’t make Valentine’s Day plans quick — SHE will! (Remember last year? Nuff said!)
2. The “Tunnel of Love” lasts less than five minutes; this is a whole HOUR of groping each other in the darkness…
1. It’s the weekend and we’re open — do you need any more than that?!
So come on out for some Twisted Love, Friday and Saturday nights from 8 to 10 p.m. Buy your tickets online with the promo code “Twisted 33″ and get $5 off!